21 April 2011

"And My Axe!": The Further Adventures of Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli

Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli join the Fellowship of the Ring.

Aragorn: You have my sword.

Legolas: And you have my bow.

Gimli: And my axe.

Legolas: And my blade [He brandishes a dagger]

Gimli: And my adze.

Legolas: And my blunderbuss.

Gimli: And my arbalest.

Legolas: Arbalests haven't been invented yet.

Gimli: Neither has the blunderbuss, fool.

Aragorn: Boys —

Legolas: And my velocipede.

Gimli: And my velociraptor.

Aragorn: I'm not going to ride to Mordor on a fucking bicycle.

Gimli: Galadriel would.

Aragorn: And as for velociraptors ... what's a velociraptor?

Gimli: The velociraptor is a genus of dromaeosaurid theropod dinosaur that existed approximately 75 to 71 million years ago during the later part of the Cretaceous Period.

Legolas: Wikipedia hasn't been invented yet either.

Aragorn: These velociraptors - good in a fight?

Gimli: Dwarven armies used to ride them into battle.

Legolas: Ooh, they did not!

Gimli: Did too.

Legolas: Whatever. They're extinct.

Gimli: There are many things beneath the sun and the moon, friend Legolas, that you do not know. Mayhap in some dark glade or on some lonely mountaintop, beasts long forgotten by the world live on, waiting to play their part in the big battle at the end of the book.

Legolas: You looked ahead. That's cheating.

Aragorn: Screw this. Let's form a band instead - a power trio. I already have some drums.

Legolas: And you have my bass.

Gimli: And my axe!


Sean said...

Very good sir, very good

Isabel Doyle said...

fabulous Tim

Tim Jones said...

Thanks, Sean and Isabel!

Margaret Vos said...

Never thought I'd see a parallel construction for 'cloven hooves' but you did it with 'dwarven armies'. Now I can finally complete that megablockbuster epic poem i've been working so very diligently on for some time now...

Tim Jones said...

Thanks, Margaret! If I could be rewarded with a scholarly footnote somewhere in your epic - the smallest, the least of footnotes - that would be much appreciated.

AJ Ponder said...

Boys behaving badly? How did I miss this - it's very fun, and so close to the original movie...

Tim Jones said...

Thanks, AJ! That'll larn me not to post things the day before Easter.

Yes, I was looking for the spirit of the movie - I don't think Tolkien's novelisation quite got this particular scene right. Still waiting for the fotonovel, myself ;-)